HOW TO start a cult

Listen here guys, you’re here because you know that I know that you know that I know how
to get you where you need to get. Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it with my multifaceted
multistep multiplatform multidimensional tried and true way to make at least $14 dollars
annually from ONLY VIDEO GAMES. Are you ready because that cold hard cash is just as
good as yours.

STEP 1: Think of something really cool that you’ll be known as forever
I know things like this are hard. Super hard in fact. This is probably the hardest part of the
entire process. What do you want people to be whispering into their lovers ears? What do
you want tens of people to be chanting in your chat? What do you wish your stupid parents
had actually named you when you emerged from the birthcanal the super pro gamer
(definately not Timothy thanks dad for giving me a stupid name). So what you need to do is
see someone who is already super popular and copy it. Throw some x’s in front of it, it
works 103% of the time. Ninja already taken? xXXxnInJAXx looks like a good name for
people to revere you as. Or you could just “accidentally” misspell an already used name and
become more better than them. Pewdiepie? More like Pevvdiepie.
PROTIP: Go on fiverr and get yourself a logo created by the best designer and then
hammer them down on the price to $5. It’s called fiverr for a reason.

STEP 2: Get a computer
We all know that super popular gamers and streamers play on PC. Here’s the hardest part;
really super hard. My advice to you is to get a prebuilt from Amazon. Yeah they are $4000
but that’ll be chump change once you’re raking in the dough. Also, if it doesn’t have RGB it
isn’t worth the investment. All the pros and technical wizards know that RGB is crucial to
proper gameplay mechanics and refresh rates. We all know that building a PC is for nerds
but if you did want to build one yourself you should just stop. The pros here at the Cult of
Dong will be giving you a computer building guide at a later date so don’t bother worrying
about putting together some stupid piece of technology that will probably take too long to
do on your own.

STEP 3: Play the most popular games at peak hours
Who wants to watch someone play some some dumb game that a few people made? Who
needs story when you have a AAA team of PROFESSIONALS who know exactly what people
want to watch and play. As a pro gamer / streamer, you already know what games you
should be playing. It tells you right on the front page of twitch. Fortnite has 50k viewers?
You’re going to make that 50K+1. Don’t know how to play League of Legends? You do now,
you’re top ranked and that’s what you’re telling your viewers. Big name streamers are
playing Escape from some eastern european name? Now’s your chance to hop on this
bandwagon and impress countless twitchers with your pure skill.
PROTIP: Get involved in the other streamers business. Spam your link, offer money to
come check out your stream, SWAT their house, cryptolock their hard drive, hold
their pet hostage; you’re a professional and need to take a professional approach.

STEP 4: _______ _______________________________
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STEP 5: Join a Discord
Going along with the crucial step 4 and partial step 5, you need to get out there and start
networking. Discord groups are a great place to do this. Disregard rules and regulations set
in place, you are higher than rules. What are they going to do, ban you? A pro like you has
multiple accounts you can get right back in and spread your important message.
PROTIP: Pay people to spam the chats, if they get banned pay more people to spam
the chat with porno pics to get the discord flagged and taken down.

Listen pal, this is your job now alright? You wanted help, you’re getting it. Got a girlfriend?
Leave her; dead weight. Got a family? That means you have a spouse that will take care of
all of that for you. Love your job? No you don’t stop lying. I put it in bold for a reason, the
only way to make it is to stream every possible waking moment . Hygiene is honestly just
an aesthetic, people won’t be able to smell you through the screen. You may ask, what
about bathroom or food breaks? Gatorade gives you all the hydration you need and is a
nifty vessel for relieving yourself. Ramen noodles cook in 3 minutes and can be bought in
bulk off amazon in addition to a hotplate.
PROTIP: Having trouble doing the 14 hour streams? Stimulants have a profound
effect on productivity. Users of Nicotine and Meth have seen productivity skyrocket
without the baggage of needing to eat.

STEP 7: Subscribe
We both know that you’re a pro gamer and streamer, now it’s Daddy Dong’s turn to get a
cut. Join the Cult of Dong for a mere $4.79 + $1.20 a month for content you can’t get
anywhere else. If you’re already a member, send me some of that twitch money. Don’t be
stingy, I gave you the path to success. That or the nicotine, I’ll take that too. Or the money
and the nicotine. Just don’t send the meth.